Cuéntame, are you the friend who always send text reminders?
How about the one who says, “We gotta link up soon!” and then you feel stuck with actually planning out the dates, times, and restaurant picks? How about being the one who remembers people’s birthdays?
Bueno, maybe it is you. And somehow, you’re wondering: Why am I always the one hitting up my friends? Do they actually want to hang out with me or am I the one who keeps everyone together if I don’t initiate, plan, and follow through with them.
First, let’s take a minute to get something clear: you’re not being needy or extra for wanting your friends to do the same for you. You’re totally allowed to want your connection with them to be reciprocal, and you don’t always have to be the one to initiate it.
If any of this resonates with you, then let’s explore these patterns through an attachment trauma lens.
When friendship starts to feel like maintenance work
I know, I know, people mostly talk about attachment patterns through romantic relationships. But listen, they can also show up in our friendships too!
If you ever experienced relationships where some of them are sometimes emotionally available, sometimes end up ghosting, or sometimes you work harder to keep up with the connection, than you learn it was your responsibility to be the glue in the relationship.
You might have been the friend who:
Texting your friends first after they disappeared or a while.
Making regular plans because you’re worried that no one will do it.
Feeling frustrated or hurt when your friends don’t initiate plans, but you don’t wanna come across as needy.
Working harder in the relationship that often feels one-sided.
Annnd, this is where it gets complicated.
It’s totally understandable that you wanna be there for your friends and spend time with them. It’s completely healthy! After all, friendships need effort.
Yet, when the silence starts to feel uncomfortable and you haven’t heard from them for a while, you might be worried that the friendship will disappear if you don’t initiate the plans.
Both of these truths can exist at the same time.
One comes from a healthier sense of connection, and the other one is out of avoiding uncertainty in the friendships.
The Rory and Lane Dynamic: Who's the glue in this friendship?
Fall season is here, and I love bringing up Gilmore girls because, honestly, some of us have been low-key invested in Stars Hollow for a long while (Lol, me).
Rory and Lane’s friendship feels ideal at the moment because it they can help us understand how friendships work when we go through different stages of life.
They know how to crack jokes, share history, and look out for one another. But as their lives progress, they’re priorities and experiences start to change.
And you know what? That’s something many of us experience.
One friend is working through a new relationship. The other friend is trying to find and maintain a job. Someone moves to college, starts a family, or has a new life transition.
Then, the friendship starts looking different from its origin story.
And if the person you are currently values regular contact, their life changes can feel personal. You might view their infrequent communication as though they don’t care about the friendship anymore.
Yet, a new change in a person’s life that may impact their availability is an automatically a rejection.
While we’re not gonna use attachment theory to explain every disappointing friendship, it’s OK to acknowledge that people aren’t showing up for you in the way you need. Both truths can exist at the same time.
Are you always initiating because you sincerely want to or because you’re worried?
Let’s pause for a moment and sit with this question.
Some friendships don’t always need an equal amount of effort. There are amigas who are great planners. There are those who struggle to text back, but they are great at showing up when you need them to. Reciprocal effort can look different for certain dynamics in friendships.
So, if you are feeling resentful or exhausted, it’s worth asking yourself:
Before I reach out to my friend, what am I feeling or seeking? Like, am I looking forward to updating them on something or do I feel worried that we haven’t spoken in awhile?
When they don’t initiate, what kinds of stories am I telling myself? For example, do I think I “must not be that important if I don’t reach out”?
How comfortable am I with expressing my needs? Can I tell them “Hit me up in November to do something together”?
This isn’t about shaming yourself for having regular relationship needs. It’s about understanding what your feelings and intentions are below the surface.
Try this instead: Pause on automatically rescuing the connection.
Wait, here me out. Before you start shaking your head at this tip, consider this tip.
The next time you feel the urge to find another way to text “Let’s hang out”, pause. This is not a test, relationship punishment, or playing mind games with them.
You just need to pause long enough to check in with yourself and ask, “Am I trying to make plans because I want to or am I nervous that the friendship feels like it’s fading?”
By all means, if you sincerely want to make plans, then reach out! However, if you notice you’re usually initiating the plans when you’re worried what might happen if you don’t do it, then take a step back and evaluate the relationship.
Or, you can hit your friend up and clearly communicate, “Hey girl, love spending time with you, and let’s start taking turns with making plans this November. It means a lot when you initiate sometimes too.”
That’s it! It doesn’t need to turn into a big thing where you need to give a friendship break up speech or a passive aggressive story on Instagram. Just clear communication.
Then, see what happens. Does your friend make an effort or hear you out? Or, do they need to speak about something that’s getting in the way of them initiating? Or will they continue the pattern without owning up to their lack of planning? The way they choose to communicate (or not) will give you more insights on whether they can be the friend you need at this time.
Remember amiga, you deserve friendships that don’t feel like a one-sided part-time job. Yes, friendships require some maintenance, effort, and trust. However, it can’t be one-sided.
Here’s your takeaway: you can be a thoughtful and intentional amiga without feeling the only one responsible to keep the friendship-plant alive.
You can absolutely recognize that you care about your friend, and you can acknowledge that the relationship feels one sided. You can learn how to handle some uncertainty without being the one to rescue the connection.
If you’d like to explore how you experience your connections, unlearn difficult relationship patterns, or heal from attachment trauma, therapy can help! The goal you need to be aiming is building friendships that help you feel wanted, validated, and not taken for granted. Friendships should go both ways, and you don’t have to be the one to solely maintain them. Ready to get started, amiga? Schedule a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation! We can sit together to chat about what is weighing on you, explore the exact therapy support you need, and see if we feel like the right match.
